Is there a ‘right’ amount to have sex with your significant other?
This week’s reader is struggling to keep her ‘sex mad’ boyfriend satisfied. While he’s always in the mood, she’s become ‘exhausted’ by his high libido.
It’s important to feel desired and wanted, but it’s even more important to be clear about your personal boundaries.
Keep reading to find out more, but before you go, check out last week’s dilemma, from a young woman whose new relationship could leave her in a dire situation.
The problem…
Sorry to get straight to the point, but I think my boyfriend is a sex maniac.
We’ve always had an active love life, but since we moved in together five months ago, his demands for sex have been ridiculous.
We both work from home, which means that two or three times a day he comes into my office (the spare bedroom) and expects sex. He just presumes I’ll be feeling as horny as him, even if I’m in the middle of doing something important for work.
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We’re notoriously late for parties or other social engagements, because once I’m all dressed up, he can’t keep his hands off me. When he’s finished, I’m in a complete mess and have to get ready all over again!
Ever since we met eighteen months ago, his sex drive has been off the scale. I used to love the excitement of it all. It’s always been spontaneous and unexpected, so one minute we’d be out for a walk in the countryside and the next we’d be doing the business up against a tree. Or we’d go to visit my parents, and he’d follow me into the bathroom for a quickie just because he felt the urge.
This was all very well when we were first dating, but I did think it would calm down after a while. However, if anything, he’s become more sex mad as the time has gone on.
I’m finding it all a bit exhausting but if I say anything to him, he just laughs and says I should count myself lucky.
How often do you have sex with your partner?
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Multiple times a day
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Once a day
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A few times a week
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Once a week
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Twice a month
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Every few months
The advice
There’s no set formula as to how often a couple should have sex if they both enjoy making love with roughly the same frequency. Some couples have sex five times a day, some five times a year, and as long as you both agree, it’s all good.
A problem only arises when you have differing sex drives, and one consistently wants sex while the other isn’t feeling it. Then, some serious readjustment is required.
It sounds like that’s where you’ve got to.
Is the frequency of his demands the only problem? I only ask because although your lovemaking might be exhilarating on some levels, it sounds like a more romantic approach may be needed sometimes. Hot, frantic sex can be fun, but a bit of loving tenderness is pleasurable too.
If you’re compatible in every other way, this needn’t be a dealbreaker. As with many problems, it could be resolved with better communication between the two of you.
Ask your boyfriend why he needs sex so often. Maybe that’s just how his hormones work, or perhaps he needs constant reassurance that you’re always there for him. Whatever the reason, it’s time to explain that you have needs too, and right now you don’t feel you’re being considered.
It should go without saying, but you should never feel pressured to have sex when you don’t want to. Above all else, consent is key.
If talking to him doesn’t work, couples counselling might help.
But if things don’t improve whatever you try, then you must ask yourself whether you’re prepared to put up with his selfish streak for the rest of your life.
Only you know the answer to that.
Laura is a counsellor and columnist.
Got a sex and dating dilemma? To get expert advice, send your problem to Laura.Collins@metro.co.uk.
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